Feels like my brain is rolling over in my skull.

Double published in a Facebook note, in case you read that one.

Whacky day. Completely bipolar weather and mood.

Today's anecdote:

You can consider my mood for the past couple weeks exceedingly happy, hyper, and... ecstatic. Weird? Yeah. I haven't felt so happy in more than a year. Then I walked out to practice after school, put my stuff in the van, and proceeded back to the blacktop. That was when I felt a giant black hole eat up my insides. My smile stooped into a confused grimace in record time, and I laid down on the old, green bench to collect my thoughts. I'm not sure how much time passed while my eyes were closed, but when I opened them, I felt no different than before. I sat up and buried my head in my arms, utterly possessed by the deep darkness that had overcome me. I felt empty, hollow, cavernous; all those fancy synonyms you can think of.

Yes, a little more than four hours later, I'm feeling fine, but certainly not as fantastic as I was before. I suppose there's a monstrous list of factors contributing to this sudden dive. Stress would top the list, yes; I don't know what I was thinking doing four APs all over again. The apathy involved in academics nowadays is hilarious and yet somewhat depressing. I have a 2.86 GPA after a couple of weeks and don't seem to mind too much. This would contradict the notion that I'm stressed, but honestly, I am giving an effort to work hard. My brain just isn't following suit.

Then there's those words that were drilled into my mind on Saturday. I keep looking back on it and asking myself if I could've resisted the temptation of walking a couple of meters; if that slight relief from pain was worth it. Still no answer has resolved itself unto me, but it has forced me to admit that I will not attain my dream in my final year of running. This was probably the most depressing point in the day. My knee is simply too far gone, my body already at its peak for this year, and my mind too tired. I won't have a varsity letter, experience CIF, or even run varsity once, most likely. I'll be watching from the sidelines, at most. Still, a large part of me still wants to chase the dream, to make it somewhere, to be something.

Worst of all, I seem to be setting myself up for a fall again. It seems to be my tragic flaw (Hah, literary terms!) that I place myself in a rather high place and look down, slowly leaning forward until gravity carries me off and to the ground. It's almost the same feeling from last year but so much more complicated this time. There's so many more obstacles now, and many of them aren't in my control. What is in my control is to forget about it. My feelings may as well be cast to the wind; there is no chance here.

I have gotten somewhere, though. Yes, I am running faster than before by a wide margin, but I'm also connecting to people in ways that I never thought possible. I'm making new friends as time goes in leaps and bounds, and I find myself talking more easily with people that I thought I'd lost in the midst of woe. The journey that I set about in my previous note is by no means completed, but it can be considered that I've made quite the progress.

Hopefully I'm just in a funk. Hopefully. Dream to hope; hope to dream.

Emotions

So, I was going to get straight to the point until my grandma called me out to pack my breakfast for tomorrow. She only needed me to determine how much rice I wanted (I hate having too much.), so I figured it would only take a couple seconds. Then, as I was scooping my rice, I noticed how white it was. I always thought rice was somewhat dingier, but this rice was... pure white. Like hard, cylindrical, refridgerated snow. Random thoughts aside...

I sometimes don't like to have emotions. Happiness is all well and good, but that's about it. You have your basic "I wish I didn't feel this" emotions, like sadness and pain. Then you have the sort of things I don't like. First off, I hate... hating. Does that make any sense? I've said it before, but I honestly don't like the feel of that emotion. It's just so... dark. And yet, it's so human. Everyone hates. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No one is so saintly, save for Jesus Christ, and that's assuming that he's real (Reference: I'm agnostic.).

But most of all, I think I don't like to love. This is where it gets abnormal. Yeah, consider this typical teenage angst, but I say... love sucks. I have the worst luck with it, I swear. I feel love for people I don't have a chance with. Don't just take this in the lovey dovey sense, either. I mean friends, in general. There's so much of a sense of ridiculous caring inside of me for people that don't even look at me twice. Okay, that might be an exaggeration. People know me, yeah, but most of them don't give a lick. I suppose it's selfish of me to say that, but hey, it's how I feel. Deal with it. Don't even get me started on guys. That just worsens it. I also love things that I'll never get anywhere at. Or at least, failed a dream at.

I guess you can say that I don't like to be disappointed or anything that can lead to disappointment. Happiness can never disappoint you.

On a whim.

Today, I found my brain completely scrambled. How scrambled, you ask? Imagine your eggs being overbeaten, overcooked, and then served cold. That's how scrambled. I felt thousands, maybe millions of thoughts and ideas raging up again a giant dam in my brain; there was just no outlet to let them through. So this is it. This is my outlet. This is me. And my mental disasters. And my turmoil. And my splurges.

Congratulations, it's a girl.