Tough times, good rhymes, nobody's listening.

Okay, nobody reads this anymore, but whatever.

It often feels like I can't have it both ways. And by that, I mean that I can't be happy and successful at the same time. I know success is such a shallow thing to want, but everybody does, really. Maybe that's why I've been letting the whole "success" thing pass me by for the past few months, though. I prefer happiness so much more at the moment.

But here it comes, the end result of something I did almost half a year ago. College acceptances. Karma's hitting me, and it's hitting me hard. But screw karma, really. I'll have it my way, just like at Burger King. Or King Burger. But don't get crazy. Just when I feel like all my dreams are coming true, they get stripped away just as soon.

I never asked for this. There are some things we are born with and some things that we earn, but I don't feel like I've worked to deserve anything nice. I'm always afraid that at the end of the day, I'll be the same person that I was from the start.

But I have to try, or everything that I've done will have been worthless. I have to try to attain something or there won't be a direction to go in. If I give up now, let these last few moments of high school pass me by, there won't be a second chance. There are things to be answered for, to make up for, to repent for. I know that I've probably done a great deal more terrible things in these four years than good, but if in these next three months I can do something or say something to change it... well, that'd be worth an entire three months by itself.

I'm trying to find my way through a life that clearly doesn't agree with me. Or, I don't know, maybe it's trying to find me.

The beginning of the end.

When one so often reaches the end of one road leading into another, it's nice to look back on everything and feel a sense of satisfaction and achievement. No more zero period, no more... trying, haha, and the rest of our days together lay paved in front of us. Who knows what sort of shenanigans we'll get into in the next five months?

We're dramatic.

We're silly.

We're ridiculous.

This is going to be an interesting five months.

I think I'll miss zero period the most.

The strangest things.

There are some things in life that you never expect to happen.

Like making up with an old friend.

Or hitting another person's car.

Or going back to church.

There are some things in life that you hope will happen someday.

And then they do.

The more I live, the more I come to believe that the law of equivalent exchange actually exists. You get back a friend... and then you lose one. Granted, I'm currently liking this side of the spectrum much, much more. You wait almost a year and a half for something good to happen, and finally, there it is. The bad... well, that's like a side dish that you don't really need to eat anyway. Sometimes you are led to believe that some people are better than they actually are. Then they turn on you, and you see everything for what it really is. All shit is inevitable. And things will work themselves out - as they have, as they are. It's just a matter of whether things work themselves out for the better or for the worse.

I'm guessing this will be the worse.

But that's okay.

So there's this one thing that I was praying for God to do for me for the past year or so, and when it came true, I decided to set aside my agnosticism for an evening and pay the good Lord a visit. And He reciprocates by making me scratch someone's car. And it's someone I knew like a bajillion years ago. Granted, that's a good thing; I'm not getting sued, but com'n. That's irony bottled up, put in a paper bag, and downed by a hobo on the side of the street. Curious. I don't think I'm going back to church.

Like someone said to me today:
"Let yourself grow old. That's the only way to get to the end of anything."

Hello, New Year!

It's going to be a good year, and I can smell it already... Like a breath of fresh air when you've been stuck inside for weeks on end. Which is pretty much what I've been doing.

I guess I've been drowning myself for too long now. You sometimes get trapped in waves for years before you realize that you were the only thing holding yourself down. If you hold still for about five seconds and stop squirming around, you float right to the top. And I guess that's what it's like.

Six months, and then new beginnings. That's what some people look for. The start of a new life. But you can never really erase the past. You lived it. It's there. But you don't have to dwell on it. You can learn from it, think about it, smile about it, and that's all there really is to memories in the end.

So what's everyone still worried about? Getting into college, teen drama, boys, girls, whatever's in between, blah, and blah. This chapter of our lives ends in such a short amount of time, and we're wasting it! College isn't a trophy, but it's sure as heck a whole new realm of possibilities. So while we're here, in this one, shouldn't we make the most of it? Put a smile on. Love yourself. Love the ones around you. Never know when the last time you see their face is going to be.

So, resolutions. I call them "promises that are bound to fail." Mine, well... just two. Be happy, and make others happy. Who knows? I might actually get it done.